


Hope and Healing

by spnskinnyballs



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Implied Sexual Content, Miscarriage, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-09-13 01:09:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16882752
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spnskinnyballs/pseuds/spnskinnyballs
Summary: Dean and the reader go through a horrible trauma, dealing with the aftermath of their loss they try to grieve and find one another again.





	Hope and Healing

**Author's Note:**

> This is for @ravenangel33 2 year anniversary of her blog 🎉 My prompt was Topaz which is the Birthstone for November and symbolises hope and healing. Guys not gonna lie this one made me cry writing it so please don’t read if it’s close to home, love y’all

Soft lips pressed against yours with a hum of desire, your fingers finding his short messy hair as his hands reached from your back down to your hips to pull you flush against him. Smiling into the kiss your thumbs moved to trace against his cheekbones as you pulled back. Dean chased your kiss, he always chased your kisses.

“De, Sammy's waiting for us, we don’t have time for this!” Giggling into the air you brushed your nose against his as you took in those puppy dog eyes that could rival Sams before taking pity and kissing him once more. You could feel the corners of his mouth turn up in a grin at your actions. You were putty in his hands, you always were.

“Sweetheart, I missed you. Come on, I’ll make sure you enjoy yourself when have I ever not made it worth your while.” He spoke in between kisses, feeling you melt against him with every word. A nod of agreement was all he needed before he pulled you towards the bed, your kisses turning into a wonderful mix of smiles and laughs that had you pulling apart and looking into each others eyes as he moved a strand of hair from your face with caring adoration.

“I really love you, you know that right?” You whispered up to him with happiness filling your eyes, his face mirrored yours exactly. He never needed to tell you those exact words, you didn’t need them, all you needed was those looks that said exactly what his heart couldn’t.

—  
The impala was filled with silence. Deans hands never left the steering wheel and your eyes never glanced at him. 25 minutes of silence. 25 minutes of pain.

The gravel protested underneath baby’s tires as you turned into the garage, cutting off the engine Dean tensed his jaw and grasped the wheel until his knuckles turned white. Drawing his lower lip in between his teeth he searched for the words to say, for anything to say.

Sniffling and shaking your head you finally moved. Turning your whole body to Dean you couldn’t even hold his gaze before the tears that had just calmed returned. Falling forward you led down on the front seat until your face was buried in his jean clad thigh and unforgiving sobs wracked through your body.

Seeing how destroyed you were, clinging on to his leg burying your face away as you cried so hard you could physically feel the emptiness inside you broke him. Swallowing thickly he stroked your hair and rubbed your back as he tried to blink away the tears that raged inside.

Your hand found your stomach and a new wave of cries violently coursed through you. Deans hushes and praises and ‘it’s okay sweetheart I’m right here, I’m always here’ went unanswered as your hand desperately searched for what wasn’t there anymore. What you would never find anymore. 

“I miss him already.” It was tear stained and barely audible. The first words you had spoken for hours but he had heard them. As the words left your throat the emotions he’d been willing away finally forced through and his whole body shook with silent sobs as he held you just that little bit tighter.

13 weeks. That was all you had. The same week you were going to tell everyone about him was the same week that he had left.

You were broken, you both were. For the next week you barely left the comfort of your bed, every time you moved you were reminded by the physical changes happening to you. You couldn’t escape what happened, you couldn’t forget so you chose to hide and wallow in memories and false futures.  
Dean did everything he could to forget. He didn’t even want the baby in the first place, what kind of hunter had a kid? It was stupid, they were stupid. Logically this was a good thing, a blessing in disguise and he hated himself for that thought. He hated every single thought that he had about being ‘practical’. Why could he never get the happy ever after? Why could he never get just a sliver of normal, he couldn’t even give you something normal, something that you loved. He couldn’t keep anyone safe and he hated himself for it, hated himself for every opposing thought that battled inside him.

It was easier for Dean to forget in the taste of whiskey and bloodlust. Everyday he would come into your shared room with offerings of food and beer, renewing the pads in the bathroom and barely uttering a word to you.

Lying there with his hand caressing your back and your face nestled into the pillow he wanted to talk to you but didn’t know what to say. Craving normalcy he finally spoke about what Sam had said earlier that day and chose to share hunting stories with you while you offered noncommittal hums. Every single day.

He didn’t mention the baby, not once.

Breaking down in his arms one night you confronted him with broken sentences and streams of tears. Shouting at him that you were heartbroken and grieving and that he didn’t even give a shit made guilt pile up almost unbearably within you but it was the truth. You were empty and sad, waking up with tears in your eyes and falling asleep to broken dreams of lost children every single day while he walked around as though nothing had happened.

It was like you were the only one grieving the loss that was supposed to be shared and the thought that no one would ever even care about him except you fueled the anger that had you shouting in between sobs until you pushed him away from you. Exhausted fists reigned down against his chest as you begged him to leave or feel or anything. He took everything you gave him.

Deans jaw tensed and he swallowed thickly as your words forced him to confront the feelings that he prayed desperately to forget. Standing as a wall of muscle he never wavered, never shouted, never forced you stop. He just stood there until you were done. When you tired he gently lead you towards the bed stroking your hair and kissing your temple until your cries began to calm.

That was the first night that he whispered apologies and declarations of love into your sleeping form followed by gentle kisses until sleep washed over you.

Things had changed from that moment onwards. The next morning you woke up in Deans arms and shared quiet apologies and begs of forgiveness, looking into each others eyes you both smiled softly as you kissed one another. There was nothing to forgive.

The grief that consumed you began to heal ever so slightly that morning. Leaving your bedroom for the first time since you came home from the hospital you cooked breakfast as Dean hovered over you anticipating your every move until you almost tripped over his feet. Regaining your footing strong hands wrapped around your shoulders to steady you as laughter crept through your body. Pointing a spatula at him with a mock glare he held his hands up in surrender and backed away with a smirk on his face.

The girl he loved was coming home to him. Your laughter was like the most beautiful song he’d ever heard and his heart filled with pride knowing that he was the one to force that sweet sound from your lips. He would do anything to hear that noise and see that smile over the sadness that roamed inside you. Placing a soft kiss to your bare shoulder he wrapped his arms around your waist, something he’d been avoiding doing subconsciously or not, and nuzzled his cheek into yours. With a content sigh you stroked his forearms with your fingertips and leaned back into him, god you loved this man. “We’re gonna be okay De, I have hope.”

Kissing your cheek he squeezed you just that little bit, “Yeah we are sweetheart, we’ll do this together just like everything else.”

Later that evening Dean found you curled up in bed, as soon as your eyes fell on Dean leaning against the doorframe a smile graced your face and you lifted your arms out for him. His smile mirrored yours as he shut the door with his foot and leapt into your arms smothering your cheeks and neck with kisses until you batted him away laughing at how childlike this big strong hunter could be with you.

Leaning back on his heels he brought his hand up to cup your cheek and stroke your delicate features with his calloused thumb. “So, listen I got you something. It’s nothing big or anything just what you were saying about feeling alone, I need you to know that you’re not. I’m right here and uhh, if we get pregnant again then that’s awesome but he’ll always be our first and while I might not talk about him he’ll always be there. So I got you this,” His words were quiet and unsure with a cough or two added in to keep his emotions in check but his eyes were determined to stay on yours.

Reaching a hand into his back pocket he pulled out a small box and offered it to you, as your fingers met his your eyes were filled with soft gratitude at how deeply he was trying. Opening your gift your eyes fell on a delicate silver chain with a beautiful deep blue charm. “Oh Dean, it’s beautiful!”

You could hear the relief in his voice as he leant his forehead closer to yours before he whispered softly into your cheek. “His due date would have been November so i got you his birthstone to carry.”

Tears were threatening your eyes as you searched for his gaze, your hand coming up to stroke his stubble. ”It’s perfect Dean. Thank you.” 

Lifting his eyes to meet yours you could see the tears that rimmed his waterline, clearing his throat he gestured down to the necklace. “The lady said that it’s Topaz, I know you like that shit.” Nudging your shoulder into his he smiled at you softly before continuing. “Supposed to represent hope and healing.” His eyebrows rose and he swallowed thickly before looking back at you with red rimmed eyes, the small gesture worth a thousand words.

”Hope and healing huh? Fits doesn’t it.” Laughing sadly to yourself your fingertips traced the charm before you found Dean once more. “This is perfect baby, I love it.“ leaning in for a swollen kiss you took comfort in the man before you, “You know how much I love you right?”

Deans eyes slowly opened and his face was so full of love and adoration as he took in every ounce of that love you offered to him, he didn’t need to reciprocate. You could see exactly how much he loved you just in the look in his eyes and the way that his lips pressed against yours, you never needed anything more than that.


End file.
